Beyond work my time at AUCB came to an end a couple of months back and I start at my new university: Winchester School of Art in just under a month and I’m quite apprehensive to say the least. Will my hallmates like me. Will my classmates like me. Will I be a total failure. There’s a lot to go wrong with moving out and taking on the world by myself. Although at the same time its very exciting to go out and make a name for myself. I’m hoping to exhibit some work on the blog as early as October or November whilst I build up my portfolio to release to the world properly (I’m picky with the design of it). I think I’ve gone on for long enough at 6 in the morning so I will leave you with some generic uni photos of what my room in halls is like. I will post some photos when I have all of my kit set up and when I actually move in.

• First up. University is over! I have finished my course and start at another Winchester School Of Art in October (hopefully) my art show starts in a week and I cant wait to go round on the private showing to see what people are thinking and saying about my pieces.

• Second up I have eventually started updating my Portfolio with work now that I have all this time off, check it out if you have the time, it only has two pieces of work at the moment, but its being updated daily.

• Finally I am appealing for work! I need illustration, and graphic design work over the summer. If you have a firm or you just need the odd job working on email me and I will see if we can work something out!

Some Photo’s from my art show to close this post off…

these are the fronts for 3 tea boxes I have produced.

Also an A2 poster produced for display in my fda show.

I shall update soon with photo’s from my fda show later in the month.

I was offered a place on a very highly regarded course at Winchester School of Art, I shall be undertaking a BA(hons) in Graphic Arts and I can’t wait, although this wasn’t my first choice uni. Before looking at the uni’s themselves or going to interviews my pecking order was

1. Kingston University
2. Brighton University
3. Chelsea School of Art
4. Winchester School of Art
5. University of the West

Now Brighton was a long shot to start with as was Chelsea (both coincidentally rejected me before interviews) although I saw Kingston as an opportunity to excel. They offered me an interview to which I attended and spent a good 3 hours there. It was my top uni because of the prospectus and the course description, although from listening to students who were supervising us and those around us the course was a huge deal different to how it was described. I don’t have a problem with group projects but I’m not a huge fan, I’m very independent and I tend to work better by myself as I’m not hindered by others. Before I went into my interview I realised that Kingston wasn’t for me, which they obviously agreed with as they rejected me. This left me with WSA and UWE. Going to an open day at Winchester just solidified that uni as the place I NEEDED to go to. Everything is how I like it. Separate from the rest of the uni, tailored to my skills and full of equipment that I would utilise. Which was proven when I went to the interview recently, I managed to get a place on the course I wanted with a very respectable conditional requirement of a pass on my course. After a few hours of oohing and awwing about whether to choose UWE or WSA (my interview for UWE was 3 days later) I decided that I wanted to go to Winchester and here I am.

So now I’m frantically trying to get all my work finished for AUCB so that I can pass my course and progress to WSA. I think I might die a little bit inside if I didn’t pass and failed to progress to the degree. I am creating a new tea company called Rosy Lee (cockney for tea) an example of one box in my kitchen cupboard is below

The design of the boxes is based around the simple thesis that current tea boxes are DULL. They all have some bland image. Mountains. Hills. Some clouds. With the need to describe what the tea is like on the front in big writing. Why cant you be drawn in by a descriptive image and then find out about the tea whilst looking at the box. As such I present Rosy Lee.

So life is a train wreck waiting to happen but as my tutor says “you have beautiful boxes” so wahey must be doing something right!

]]> http://jacobcoy.com/blog/2010/04/the-trials-tribulations-of-ucas-university-and-life/feed/ 0 http://jacobcoy.com/blog/2010/01/why-i-am-still-awake-at-this-hour-2-0/ http://jacobcoy.com/blog/2010/01/why-i-am-still-awake-at-this-hour-2-0/#comments Mon, 18 Jan 2010 03:20:38 +0000 Jacob http://jacobcoy.com/blog/?p=178 I wish I could write a post that wasn’t so deppressing but that’s me in a nutshell. I need to vent some anger, desperation, upset whatever the fuck I’m feeling is. I’ve been sat on my toilet for 30 mins wondering what the hell I’m meant to do.

My UCAS was sent off the other day, and so at the moment I’m just waiting for my choices (which I clearly can’t divulge here) to decide if they want to interview me for a place at their uni. Truth is I’m probably never going to further than an interview. I have no confidence in myself let alone my work. My work may be of a high calibre as I’m told by people around me but I just can’t see it.

Speaking of work I managed to pass the first section of my foundation course late last year. This I thought was great. I could move onto doing something I love. Graphic Design, it’s just what I do, it’s what I love. But (and there’s always a but with my life) I just can’t get on, I’m pretty sure I’m the class outcast. I’d just managed to fit in with most people in my tutor to find myself truly fucked in this new class. People rarely talk to me (even then it’s just to get past or to borrow a pen) the people that do talk to me are great but it’s not even a handful. I speak to other people but it’s just usual smoking conversation whilst having a fag in the freezing temperatures England seems to be having at the moment (all this snow, it’s just crazy). As soon as the door to the class is opened and I’m back in the room, it’s just silence. This could of course just be entire paranoia on my part, but who knows.

I’m dead worried about my graphics work though. I never seem to manage to finish a project on time. And I still haven’t finished my first project from December. I only have like 2 weeks left till marking which scares the shit outa me. I can’t afford to fuck this all up as I do everything else in my life. I’ve applied to prestigious uni’s for the sole reason I don’t want to be stuck in a shit hole for the next 3 years, but the way things are going I’m going to be stuck in a dead end job till I die.

To any uni’s deciding to do research on my before giving me an interview don’t see this as an opportunity to brush me under a carpet. I’m a massive hard worker it’s just my huge attention to detail which let’s me down in the long run.

Balancing a job, uni and a very time demanding relationship doesn’t help. Trying to fit everything in is terrible.
I need to do my work for uni to do what I love. I need to go to work to keep myself afloat and fund my habits of drinking and smoking way too much afloat, as well as the usual art supplies printer ink and travel. I also need to see my girlfriend to keep our relationship alive, she’s already turned to someone else once when I was busy on other things. Keeping her happy and doing everything else is such a pain and an impossible seeming task.

Another thing with uni, I’m scared shitless of leaving my girlfriend and my best friend behind. At the pub the other day I realised that my best friend Sarah Is everything that I need in a friend she’s my rock when I am having problems and she’s always there. We help each other and it’s a great partnership. I want her to move away wherever I go but I bet she won’t.

I’m probably just being pathetic but everything is just so HARD! I’m going to have to make cutbacks somewhere, wherever I look though it seems impossible to cut it down anywhere. Speaking about still being awake at this time. Most nights I’m not sleeping at all. I don’t know if it’s worry or if it’s just my total un-ability to switch off. I’m a hugely paranoid person and I find It hard to shut down always worrying about something, that and I’m always there sketching and brainstorming for some new project or personal piece (I really want to make myself some wallpaper). Is this what life is. I’ve peaked at the age of 18, and I’m just awaiting death to come join me for a quick pint and then off to hell!

I’m really hoping that I get Into a uni I love and everything is going to be hunkydory I really do. I just feel like I don’t really know. WHY AM I SO GOD DAMN AMBIGUOUS! Uni, life, love it can only get better right :s hahah!

JUST KEEP SMILING!

I am currently still awake at this god awful hour of 4am because I am such a fuckup that I have managed to leave all my work to the last minute as per usual. I dont even know how I do it, I even said when I started at uni I would actually do work as I went along. I started so well. now its just well. Up shit creek!

All this has made me consider why I’m such a fuckup and its almost impossible to know. All i know is that I have been one for a very long time, too long to remember. Along with having way too much work to do I seem to be ruining everything good in my life. My partner and I seem to be arguing all the time, we never used to talk like we used to and I can only ever see it as my problem. A day doesn’t go past where we dont have one argument or another and everything is trying on my patience so much. This being my first real relationship I often wonder whether this is just what its meant to be like. Along with this I seem to have the worse money management which is also where arguments tend to arise from. I want to do something we cant do or she wants to do something we cant which leads to much shouting and blaming me for my apparent bad lifestyle. I honestly just don’t know where I’m meant to go from now. It’s increasingly frustrating that I dont know what I am. Happy. Sad. JUST WHAT THE FUCK AM I MEANT TO FEEL! Everything just builds up and at times I just want to chuck it all in because I wonder if it would be better.

I’ve been in this relationship for nearly 9 months now and I dont think theres ever a time where there isn’t something wrong. Those who know me well know how hard it was to start this relationship and I guess that’s why I feel like I should just give it one more chance. It’s always just one more chance though, one more chance seems to have stretched to about 10 now! Life nowadays is just such an emotional rollercoaster. It used to be so simple I’d get up and do whatever my dull life required me to do. Now I’m constantly paranoid about what the future holds, what do I do if I fail at university? Is my work really good enough? I swear everyone else’s work actually merits the comments they get? Adding in the pressure of university to my general fuckup of a life just means one more pain and just one more thing to fuckup thing is I really can’t afford to fuck it up. yet I still am .

It would be so easy to just chuck everything in and move into the rhythms of life but I don’t know I just cant seem to give up on everything. I’ve worked so hard for this relationship but I just can’t get over the feeling that its just not right! My uni work is it really worth it? Am I ever going to really make it as a graphic designer? (pretty doubtful). I seem to be getting so angry right now as well I’m flying off the handle at people that don’t really deserve it, my partner included. Its scaring even myself let alone people that know me about why I am getting so angry over the slightest thing. Everything is just so much pressure to perform. Must it be?

I’d like someone to come and just transform my entire attitude to life but then again would it actually be better? my life just seems full of so many what if’s right about now. I’d probably just end up fucking up the life that someone had transformed for me. I think that my life honeymoon period is over and I would really like to extend it a bit longer at least till i can settle into the humdrum of adult life. That’s another thing I keep being told I need to mature because I am an adult now. Since when did being 18 mean you had to act like you were 35 in a dull marriage with kids you resent and an office job where all you really want to do is smash your head through your computer monitor (I want to do that now actually, although I’m more likely to break my head rather than my iMac’s screen). So lets recap. I’m a fuckup!

Right so know that were back on track, I need to rant further I guess part of the reason I’m ranting on here is because of a newly found friend Laura Jane Barnes. Currently her blog exhibits the best in reflective writing that I have seen in years and also a fellow student at the same university as myself. Something she posted today just seemed to ring with me…..

“I almost feel like I’m having an out of body experience, as if I’m just a spectator, hovering over my own body, watching everything that happens in my life without being directly involved with it. I have moments where I jump back into my head and everything hits me like a mallet, square between the eyes. It’s ridiculous.”

The idea of her feeling like she’s hovering over her body sorta just related to me but in the opposite way I feel like I have someone hovering above me possibly me but me the real life grounded person is just a puppet to this hovering being, this menace, this god of Jacob. I don’t like feeling like a cheap thunderbird but I dont see how to change this. I seem to be pulled through so many different motions that it seems like my life is destined to be on a constant loop of FUCK!!!!!!

I really wanted to just end there but I don’t think that’s hugely fitting. I’d say there was one option to sorting out the main problem with my life at the moment, Uni work (well really theres two but dropping out isn’t an option) become a social recluse, stay in don’t go out (of which I dont really do much anyway :S ) and just work solidly every single day and expand my online portfolio further but then again this would cause my already failing relationship to suffer even more, where I would probably end up getting angry texts or phone calls about why I was being such a dick. I just really don’t know what else to do anymore maybe being a fuckup of a puppet isn’t that bad but bloomin heck what do I know!

Time to end this major out the blue rant. I guess I’ve just gotta work at stuff but then again along with Laura I am tempted to go see the uni shrink. I’m thinking it could help me to consider what I’m really all about and if what iv’e got going is really all that bad. I do love my partner but then again I just cant stand things sometimes. Time will tell I guess. I’l leave with a quote that’s stood quite true for what I feel at the moment (coincidently used in a piece of uni work)

“Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you.” Carl Sandburg