I wish I could write a post that wasn’t so deppressing but that’s me in a nutshell. I need to vent some anger, desperation, upset whatever the fuck I’m feeling is. I’ve been sat on my toilet for 30 mins wondering what the hell I’m meant to do.

My UCAS was sent off the other day, and so at the moment I’m just waiting for my choices (which I clearly can’t divulge here) to decide if they want to interview me for a place at their uni. Truth is I’m probably never going to further than an interview. I have no confidence in myself let alone my work. My work may be of a high calibre as I’m told by people around me but I just can’t see it.

Speaking of work I managed to pass the first section of my foundation course late last year. This I thought was great. I could move onto doing something I love. Graphic Design, it’s just what I do, it’s what I love. But (and there’s always a but with my life) I just can’t get on, I’m pretty sure I’m the class outcast. I’d just managed to fit in with most people in my tutor to find myself truly fucked in this new class. People rarely talk to me (even then it’s just to get past or to borrow a pen) the people that do talk to me are great but it’s not even a handful. I speak to other people but it’s just usual smoking conversation whilst having a fag in the freezing temperatures England seems to be having at the moment (all this snow, it’s just crazy). As soon as the door to the class is opened and I’m back in the room, it’s just silence. This could of course just be entire paranoia on my part, but who knows.

I’m dead worried about my graphics work though. I never seem to manage to finish a project on time. And I still haven’t finished my first project from December. I only have like 2 weeks left till marking which scares the shit outa me. I can’t afford to fuck this all up as I do everything else in my life. I’ve applied to prestigious uni’s for the sole reason I don’t want to be stuck in a shit hole for the next 3 years, but the way things are going I’m going to be stuck in a dead end job till I die.

To any uni’s deciding to do research on my before giving me an interview don’t see this as an opportunity to brush me under a carpet. I’m a massive hard worker it’s just my huge attention to detail which let’s me down in the long run.

Balancing a job, uni and a very time demanding relationship doesn’t help. Trying to fit everything in is terrible.
I need to do my work for uni to do what I love. I need to go to work to keep myself afloat and fund my habits of drinking and smoking way too much afloat, as well as the usual art supplies printer ink and travel. I also need to see my girlfriend to keep our relationship alive, she’s already turned to someone else once when I was busy on other things. Keeping her happy and doing everything else is such a pain and an impossible seeming task.

Another thing with uni, I’m scared shitless of leaving my girlfriend and my best friend behind. At the pub the other day I realised that my best friend Sarah Is everything that I need in a friend she’s my rock when I am having problems and she’s always there. We help each other and it’s a great partnership. I want her to move away wherever I go but I bet she won’t.

I’m probably just being pathetic but everything is just so HARD! I’m going to have to make cutbacks somewhere, wherever I look though it seems impossible to cut it down anywhere. Speaking about still being awake at this time. Most nights I’m not sleeping at all. I don’t know if it’s worry or if it’s just my total un-ability to switch off. I’m a hugely paranoid person and I find It hard to shut down always worrying about something, that and I’m always there sketching and brainstorming for some new project or personal piece (I really want to make myself some wallpaper). Is this what life is. I’ve peaked at the age of 18, and I’m just awaiting death to come join me for a quick pint and then off to hell!

I’m really hoping that I get Into a uni I love and everything is going to be hunkydory I really do. I just feel like I don’t really know. WHY AM I SO GOD DAMN AMBIGUOUS! Uni, life, love it can only get better right :s hahah!

JUST KEEP SMILING!

So I’m a fuckup that’s basically it.

I am currently still awake at this god awful hour of 4am because I am such a fuckup that I have managed to leave all my work to the last minute as per usual. I dont even know how I do it, I even said when I started at uni I would actually do work as I went along. I started so well. now its just well. Up shit creek!

All this has made me consider why I’m such a fuckup and its almost impossible to know. All i know is that I have been one for a very long time, too long to remember. Along with having way too much work to do I seem to be ruining everything good in my life. My partner and I seem to be arguing all the time, we never used to talk like we used to and I can only ever see it as my problem. A day doesn’t go past where we dont have one argument or another and everything is trying on my patience so much. This being my first real relationship I often wonder whether this is just what its meant to be like. Along with this I seem to have the worse money management which is also where arguments tend to arise from. I want to do something we cant do or she wants to do something we cant which leads to much shouting and blaming me for my apparent bad lifestyle. I honestly just don’t know where I’m meant to go from now. It’s increasingly frustrating that I dont know what I am. Happy. Sad. JUST WHAT THE FUCK AM I MEANT TO FEEL! Everything just builds up and at times I just want to chuck it all in because I wonder if it would be better.

I’ve been in this relationship for nearly 9 months now and I dont think theres ever a time where there isn’t something wrong. Those who know me well know how hard it was to start this relationship and I guess that’s why I feel like I should just give it one more chance. It’s always just one more chance though, one more chance seems to have stretched to about 10 now! Life nowadays is just such an emotional rollercoaster. It used to be so simple I’d get up and do whatever my dull life required me to do. Now I’m constantly paranoid about what the future holds, what do I do if I fail at university? Is my work really good enough? I swear everyone else’s work actually merits the comments they get? Adding in the pressure of university to my general fuckup of a life just means one more pain and just one more thing to fuckup thing is I really can’t afford to fuck it up. yet I still am .

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