Why i am still awake at this hour 2.0

I wish I could write a post that wasn’t so deppressing but that’s me in a nutshell. I need to vent some anger, desperation, upset whatever the fuck I’m feeling is. I’ve been sat on my toilet for 30 mins wondering what the hell I’m meant to do.

My UCAS was sent off the other day, and so at the moment I’m just waiting for my choices (which I clearly can’t divulge here) to decide if they want to interview me for a place at their uni. Truth is I’m probably never going to further than an interview. I have no confidence in myself let alone my work. My work may be of a high calibre as I’m told by people around me but I just can’t see it.

Speaking of work I managed to pass the first section of my foundation course late last year. This I thought was great. I could move onto doing something I love. Graphic Design, it’s just what I do, it’s what I love. But (and there’s always a but with my life) I just can’t get on, I’m pretty sure I’m the class outcast. I’d just managed to fit in with most people in my tutor to find myself truly fucked in this new class. People rarely talk to me (even then it’s just to get past or to borrow a pen) the people that do talk to me are great but it’s not even a handful. I speak to other people but it’s just usual smoking conversation whilst having a fag in the freezing temperatures England seems to be having at the moment (all this snow, it’s just crazy). As soon as the door to the class is opened and I’m back in the room, it’s just silence. This could of course just be entire paranoia on my part, but who knows.

I’m dead worried about my graphics work though. I never seem to manage to finish a project on time. And I still haven’t finished my first project from December. I only have like 2 weeks left till marking which scares the shit outa me. I can’t afford to fuck this all up as I do everything else in my life. I’ve applied to prestigious uni’s for the sole reason I don’t want to be stuck in a shit hole for the next 3 years, but the way things are going I’m going to be stuck in a dead end job till I die.

To any uni’s deciding to do research on my before giving me an interview don’t see this as an opportunity to brush me under a carpet. I’m a massive hard worker it’s just my huge attention to detail which let’s me down in the long run.

Balancing a job, uni and a very time demanding relationship doesn’t help. Trying to fit everything in is terrible.
I need to do my work for uni to do what I love. I need to go to work to keep myself afloat and fund my habits of drinking and smoking way too much afloat, as well as the usual art supplies printer ink and travel. I also need to see my girlfriend to keep our relationship alive, she’s already turned to someone else once when I was busy on other things. Keeping her happy and doing everything else is such a pain and an impossible seeming task.

Another thing with uni, I’m scared shitless of leaving my girlfriend and my best friend behind. At the pub the other day I realised that my best friend Sarah Is everything that I need in a friend she’s my rock when I am having problems and she’s always there. We help each other and it’s a great partnership. I want her to move away wherever I go but I bet she won’t.

I’m probably just being pathetic but everything is just so HARD! I’m going to have to make cutbacks somewhere, wherever I look though it seems impossible to cut it down anywhere. Speaking about still being awake at this time. Most nights I’m not sleeping at all. I don’t know if it’s worry or if it’s just my total un-ability to switch off. I’m a hugely paranoid person and I find It hard to shut down always worrying about something, that and I’m always there sketching and brainstorming for some new project or personal piece (I really want to make myself some wallpaper). Is this what life is. I’ve peaked at the age of 18, and I’m just awaiting death to come join me for a quick pint and then off to hell!

I’m really hoping that I get Into a uni I love and everything is going to be hunkydory I really do. I just feel like I don’t really know. WHY AM I SO GOD DAMN AMBIGUOUS! Uni, life, love it can only get better right :s hahah!

JUST KEEP SMILING!