Why I Am Still Awake At This Hour

So I’m a fuckup that’s basically it.

I am currently still awake at this god awful hour of 4am because I am such a fuckup that I have managed to leave all my work to the last minute as per usual. I dont even know how I do it, I even said when I started at uni I would actually do work as I went along. I started so well. now its just well. Up shit creek!

All this has made me consider why I’m such a fuckup and its almost impossible to know. All i know is that I have been one for a very long time, too long to remember. Along with having way too much work to do I seem to be ruining everything good in my life. My partner and I seem to be arguing all the time, we never used to talk like we used to and I can only ever see it as my problem. A day doesn’t go past where we dont have one argument or another and everything is trying on my patience so much. This being my first real relationship I often wonder whether this is just what its meant to be like. Along with this I seem to have the worse money management which is also where arguments tend to arise from. I want to do something we cant do or she wants to do something we cant which leads to much shouting and blaming me for my apparent bad lifestyle. I honestly just don’t know where I’m meant to go from now. It’s increasingly frustrating that I dont know what I am. Happy. Sad. JUST WHAT THE FUCK AM I MEANT TO FEEL! Everything just builds up and at times I just want to chuck it all in because I wonder if it would be better.

I’ve been in this relationship for nearly 9 months now and I dont think theres ever a time where there isn’t something wrong. Those who know me well know how hard it was to start this relationship and I guess that’s why I feel like I should just give it one more chance. It’s always just one more chance though, one more chance seems to have stretched to about 10 now! Life nowadays is just such an emotional rollercoaster. It used to be so simple I’d get up and do whatever my dull life required me to do. Now I’m constantly paranoid about what the future holds, what do I do if I fail at university? Is my work really good enough? I swear everyone else’s work actually merits the comments they get? Adding in the pressure of university to my general fuckup of a life just means one more pain and just one more thing to fuckup thing is I really can’t afford to fuck it up. yet I still am .

It would be so easy to just chuck everything in and move into the rhythms of life but I don’t know I just cant seem to give up on everything. I’ve worked so hard for this relationship but I just can’t get over the feeling that its just not right! My uni work is it really worth it? Am I ever going to really make it as a graphic designer? (pretty doubtful). I seem to be getting so angry right now as well I’m flying off the handle at people that don’t really deserve it, my partner included. Its scaring even myself let alone people that know me about why I am getting so angry over the slightest thing. Everything is just so much pressure to perform. Must it be?

I’d like someone to come and just transform my entire attitude to life but then again would it actually be better? my life just seems full of so many what if’s right about now. I’d probably just end up fucking up the life that someone had transformed for me. I think that my life honeymoon period is over and I would really like to extend it a bit longer at least till i can settle into the humdrum of adult life. That’s another thing I keep being told I need to mature because I am an adult now. Since when did being 18 mean you had to act like you were 35 in a dull marriage with kids you resent and an office job where all you really want to do is smash your head through your computer monitor (I want to do that now actually, although I’m more likely to break my head rather than my iMac’s screen). So lets recap. I’m a fuckup!

Right so know that were back on track, I need to rant further I guess part of the reason I’m ranting on here is because of a newly found friend Laura Jane Barnes. Currently her blog exhibits the best in reflective writing that I have seen in years and also a fellow student at the same university as myself. Something she posted today just seemed to ring with me…..

“I almost feel like I’m having an out of body experience, as if I’m just a spectator, hovering over my own body, watching everything that happens in my life without being directly involved with it. I have moments where I jump back into my head and everything hits me like a mallet, square between the eyes. It’s ridiculous.”

The idea of her feeling like she’s hovering over her body sorta just related to me but in the opposite way I feel like I have someone hovering above me possibly me but me the real life grounded person is just a puppet to this hovering being, this menace, this god of Jacob. I don’t like feeling like a cheap thunderbird but I dont see how to change this. I seem to be pulled through so many different motions that it seems like my life is destined to be on a constant loop of FUCK!!!!!!

I really wanted to just end there but I don’t think that’s hugely fitting. I’d say there was one option to sorting out the main problem with my life at the moment, Uni work (well really theres two but dropping out isn’t an option) become a social recluse, stay in don’t go out (of which I dont really do much anyway :S ) and just work solidly every single day and expand my online portfolio further but then again this would cause my already failing relationship to suffer even more, where I would probably end up getting angry texts or phone calls about why I was being such a dick. I just really don’t know what else to do anymore maybe being a fuckup of a puppet isn’t that bad but bloomin heck what do I know!

Time to end this major out the blue rant. I guess I’ve just gotta work at stuff but then again along with Laura I am tempted to go see the uni shrink. I’m thinking it could help me to consider what I’m really all about and if what iv’e got going is really all that bad. I do love my partner but then again I just cant stand things sometimes. Time will tell I guess. I’l leave with a quote that’s stood quite true for what I feel at the moment (coincidently used in a piece of uni work)

“Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you.” Carl Sandburg