So I’m a fuckup that’s basically it.
I am currently still awake at this god awful hour of 4am because I am such a fuckup that I have managed to leave all my work to the last minute as per usual. I dont even know how I do it, I even said when I started at uni I would actually do work as I went along. I started so well. now its just well. Up shit creek!
All this has made me consider why I’m such a fuckup and its almost impossible to know. All i know is that I have been one for a very long time, too long to remember. Along with having way too much work to do I seem to be ruining everything good in my life. My partner and I seem to be arguing all the time, we never used to talk like we used to and I can only ever see it as my problem. A day doesn’t go past where we dont have one argument or another and everything is trying on my patience so much. This being my first real relationship I often wonder whether this is just what its meant to be like. Along with this I seem to have the worse money management which is also where arguments tend to arise from. I want to do something we cant do or she wants to do something we cant which leads to much shouting and blaming me for my apparent bad lifestyle. I honestly just don’t know where I’m meant to go from now. It’s increasingly frustrating that I dont know what I am. Happy. Sad. JUST WHAT THE FUCK AM I MEANT TO FEEL! Everything just builds up and at times I just want to chuck it all in because I wonder if it would be better.
I’ve been in this relationship for nearly 9 months now and I dont think theres ever a time where there isn’t something wrong. Those who know me well know how hard it was to start this relationship and I guess that’s why I feel like I should just give it one more chance. It’s always just one more chance though, one more chance seems to have stretched to about 10 now! Life nowadays is just such an emotional rollercoaster. It used to be so simple I’d get up and do whatever my dull life required me to do. Now I’m constantly paranoid about what the future holds, what do I do if I fail at university? Is my work really good enough? I swear everyone else’s work actually merits the comments they get? Adding in the pressure of university to my general fuckup of a life just means one more pain and just one more thing to fuckup thing is I really can’t afford to fuck it up. yet I still am 
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